Zondervan Announces New GOP Translation of the Bible

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CLEVELAND – Zondervan Publishers announced this morning that it is releasing a new modern translation of the Bible.  “We just felt that there were many parts of Scripture that were either being misunderstood or were making many people uncomfortable,” stated spokesman Ray Mohr. “With the GOP edition, we sought to provide an accurate translation that more consistently aligns with the Republican party.”

President of Independence University, Gary Slipgood, showed enthusiastic support for this translation from early on.  “It was becoming increasingly difficult to prove our biblical convictions from scripture,” he said. “This will make it much simpler.”

Some noticeable changes to the GOP Edition:

  • Those uncomfortable verses about justice and helping the poor have been removed.
  • Most references to the nation of Israel as God’s chosen people have been replaced with simply the initials, USA (short for Uniquely Selected Ambassadors).
  • A word study has led all references to “the serpent” to be replace with the more accurate “Democrat”.
  • The passages about paying taxes to Caesar have been rephrased to only include this as a command to the middle and lower classes.
  • The age of Mary and the age of Joseph are now made prominent, to show how perfectly normal it is for men in their thirties and girls in their teens to be in a relationship.  Also the date of the nativity has been moved forward roughly 1970 years, to further help clarify.
  • Matthew 20:16 has remained untouched, because…you know…the electoral college.
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