Fox News Now America’s Fastest-Growing Religion

 

Fox News Channel anchor Sean Hannity poses for photographs as he sits on the set of his show "Hannity" at the Fox News Channel's headquarters in New York City

The political contingency traditionally referred to as the “religious right” seems to have found a new home.  

Conservative Christians, who have historically used the Bible as the the guiding influence behind their moral and political beliefs, have begun a major shift from their traditional base, with the shift seemingly beginning around the time as this summer’s Republican National Convention. Since the convention, studies and polling show evangelicals flocking to the doctrinal declarations of Fox News Network.  

Bruce Grudham – pastor at Mostly Sovereign Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC – iterated, “The Bible has always been such a guiding force in all of our lives, but some of the teachings are hard to understand.  I mean, ‘love your neighbor’, ‘caring for the widows and orphans’, living as citizens of heaven?  What do those things even mean?  Frankly, I like how clear pastors Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, and Giraldo Rivera are in how they explain things.  Grace Kelly File is ok too, but isn’t pastor material…for obvious reasons.”

There has been a groundswell of faith in the Fox News network through their coverage of the election and its respective issues.  Cited one Gary Autumngood, “The way the Bible has described moral character really doesn’t line up well with any of the major candidates this election cycle.  We are fortunate that Fox News does a fair and balanced job of supporting Donald Trump as a morally viable candidate, because Scripture certainly didn’t do him justice.”

The core demographic group behind the now popularly dubbed “Fox Faith” is white males.  Pundits are uncertain why women and minorities have yet to get on board with this developing cult (editor’s note: we did not want to use the term “cult”, but that seemed better than “raging, maniacal group of sheep”).

A Fox News poll of Fox News employees found these new believers’ faith in the network to be “totally justified.”

Ken Ham Announces Plans for Tower of Babel Encounter

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Petersburg, Kentucky – The founder of the Creation Museum, Ken Ham, has announced the next big addition to the exhibits at the faith-based foundation.  Earlier this year, the Creation Museum opened “The Ark Encounter”, a life-sized replication of Noah’s ark, as described in Genesis 6.  Ham and his foundation, Answers in Genesis, have made it their goal to bring the events described the earliest chapters of the Old Testament in the Bible to life.

The museum itself, founded in 2007, seeks to portray the history of the world through the lens of  a young earth, as Ham believes is described in the Bible.

“The Ark Encounter has been such a massive success,” Ham stated.  “It became obvious to us that the public (editor’s note: we believe that “public” means “Evangelical Christians” in this instance) is hungry for more interaction with the landscape of the early chapters of Genesis.”

“It took Noah over 100 years to build the ark.  We were able to accomplish the same task in under two years with hardly anything more than the materials mention in Genesis 6, hundreds of contracted workers, and 100 million dollars.  We thought it would only make logical sense to create a similar exhibit for the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11! I think this time we can finish it,” Ham quipped.

“With our modern technology and conveniences we should be able to complete it with virtually 你是 不要我 在 一切成空!”

The rest of the staff  immediately became unavailable for comment.