Statisticians Horrified to Discover that a Vote for Anyone but Trump Really Is a Vote for Hillary.

2016-05-04t233129z_258616682_s1betceqofaa_rtrmadp_3_usa-election-clinton_0dc30bc14e5d9205468ad356555a04e1-nbcnews-ux-2880-1000

There has been a massive influx of argument recently on social media.  It is difficult to detect due to the impossibly high saturation point of conflict that already existed on such platforms.  But the battle these days seems to revolve around the two predominant candidates for President of the United States in the upcoming November election.  Many voters have found themselves in a position to cast ballots for a candidate they never wanted to, due to two extremely subpar options on that front.  One of the loudest arguments from people finding themselves begrudgingly in Trump’s camp is: “A third-party vote or a non-vote is a vote for Hillary.”  

Investigative historical statisticians at Wofford University were intrigued by this line of reasoning and set out to study the reality of such a statement.  To their shock and disgust, they learned that not only were current votes for Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, or Deez Nuts being counted towards the Clinton campaign, but many other votes throughout history have been credited to the Clinton campaign.

“When we started to dig a little deeper, we were appalled at what we discovered.  Not only are non-votes and third party votes this election going to be pushed to Hillary Clinton, but previous presidential elections have funneled votes her way as well…” stated Philip Broderick, Chief Analyst on the vote counting project.  

The study showed that Clinton’s snagged votes from non-voters was the main reason that Mondale could barely gain a state in the election of 1984.  It was assumed that Reagan dominated on his own merit, but in actuality it was a confusion over the massive influx of votes tallied by people staying home. 

“Remember American Idol season five? Taylor Hicks only won because Hillary Clinton siphoned off so many votes.”

Broderick cautioned anyone leaning towards a third-party vote or simply staying home on election day: “The only way to keep votes from going towards Hillary is to vote for Donald Trump.  We aren’t certain how she has pulled off bending the entire construct of logic or mathematics, but she has.”

Researchers said that votes haven’t been this irrelevant since 2000 when Florida basically made up everything.   

Should We, as Christians, Be Drinking the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

GTY_pumpkin_spice_latte_jt_150817_12x5_1600It’s that time of year when the weather begins to turn, the leaves start to change color, and all across the nation the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back on the menu.

I would caution my brothers and sisters (let’s be honest, mostly sisters) to think before they drink.

Anytime something becomes this popular and accepted by society, we need to step back and ask if we’ve ceased merely being in the world and have, in fact, become part of it (Couldn’t find the chapter and verse, but I know it’s in the KJV).  Allow me to incredibly humbly suggest a couple of things we ought to meditate on and pray over before we imbibe the PSL.

1. A study of “Pumpkin Spice” in the original languages

When we break down the etymology of the name of Satan’s favorite drink, it shows how truly subversive the Tempter can be in trying to lure away God’s own.  The word “pumpkin” has two roots in the original Latin.  “Pump” is an obvious reference to the song “Pumped Up Kicks” which is about a person who uses a weapon to attack people around him because he wants their shoes.  This is a focus on greed and covetousness so ugly that it ought not be present in the life of the believer.  Also murder.  The fact that the word “pump” is followed by “kin” is a clear insinuation that the coffee industry wants us to murder our families.  But you don’t think about that when you’re drinking your beverage do you? DO YOU?  And finally, “spice” is a not-so-subtle allusion to the Spice Girls.

spice-girls-1_620x349

Remember these bastions of Christian morals?

 

Can we allow ourselves to forget where this drink comes from?  I, for one, refuse to drink anything that supports family murder or the Spice Girls.

 

2. Genesis 3 and Starbucks

The entire entrance of sin into the world was caused by a unique creature offering a fruit to an unwitting female.

Can’t see the connection?  No one has popularized the PSL like Starbucks.  Just like Satan used the talking snake in the garden, he is using the call of the siren today.  He doesn’t offer an apple or a pomegranate, but a pumpkin.  And who is the most susceptible audience to this tempting offer?  Females.  It’s truly ironic that the mermaid, who legendarily led young sailors to their doom, is still doing so today…just attacking a different demographic.catch-white-girl.jpg

Wake up, America.  The Devil is a master deceiver.  He knows what works and merely polishes it up and repackages it for a different generation.

 

3. Mainstream? More like the wide road that leads to destruction.

We are called to be in the world and not of it. (again, verse pending).  If anything becomes mainstream…that means it is time to break away from it and avoid it for the sake of impressing Jesus.  Allow me to list several things that are accepted by our society and ask yourself if those are the type of things you want to be associated with: mixed gender bathrooms, marijuana, the Black Eyed Peas, UFC, the Minnesota Vikings, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the ESV “bible”, PETA, etc.

It isn’t harmless.  Nothing that popular can be.

So please, think of who you represent before you post your pictures of your hypocritical smile with your Family Murdering Spice Girls drink.  It’s not just a drink.  It’s a step on a very slippery slope.  Jesus never drank a Pumpkin Spice Latte, and that’s good enough for me.