Zondervan Announces New GOP Translation of the Bible

CLEVELAND – Zondervan Publishers announced this morning that it is releasing a new modern translation of the Bible.  “We just felt that there were many parts of Scripture that were either being misunderstood or were making many people uncomfortable,” stated spokesman Ray Mohr. “With the GOP edition, we sought to provide an accurate translation that more consistently aligns with the Republican party.”

President of Independence University, Gary Slipgood, showed enthusiastic support for this translation from early on.  “It was becoming increasingly difficult to prove our biblical convictions from scripture,” he said. “This will make it much simpler.”

Some noticeable changes to the GOP Edition:

• Those uncomfortable verses about justice and helping the poor have been removed.
• Most references to the nation of Israel as God’s chosen people have been replaced with simply the initials, USA (short for Uniquely Selected Ambassadors).
• A word study has led all references to “the serpent” to be replace with the more accurate “Democrat”.
• The passages about paying taxes to Caesar have been rephrased to only include this as a command to the middle and lower classes.
• The age of Mary and the age of Joseph are now made prominent, to show how perfectly normal it is for men in their thirties and girls in their teens to be in a relationship.  Also the date of the nativity has been moved forward roughly 1970 years, to further help clarify.
• Matthew 20:16 has remained untouched, because…you know…the electoral college.

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Why I’m Thankful Hillary Clinton Isn’t President

We are roughly a year removed from the election. In retrospect, many have wondered if they made the right choice. Here are five reasons why I’m still glad that Hillary Clinton isn’t the president.

1. National Security

Can you fathom how tenuous our national safety would be with Hillary Clinton at be helm? With her liberal ideologies (and lets me honest, the fact that she’s a woman), our enemies would certainly sense weakness and be making plans to bring us to our knees. Imagine what it would be like to be living in semi-constant fear of a nuclear attack because of her ineptitude internationally. Chilling.

2. The Emails

We may never know what was in those emails. But we know with certainty they were full of bad, incriminating evidence. They were probably full of things that would completely disqualify her from being President.

She lied about them. We cannot have a liar in the White House. We need someone who always speaks the truth in the Oval Office.

3. Possible Russian Ties

I saw on Fox News (none of the other news outlets were covering it, obviously. Thankful for Fair and Balanced.) the other day that Hillary has potential ties to Russia. Russia!! Unreal.

4. Proximity to a Predator

Many of you may not know, but Hillary Clinton is married to Bill Clinton. And Bill Clinton’s record is far from squeaky clean. He is almost certainly a sexual predator. What on earth would the White House look like if someone that connected to sexual assault charges were around? That, to me, would be enough to disqualify her from the office.

5. Power Hungry

Hillary Clinton has wanted to be President for a long time. Can you imagine what she would be like if she got it? Imagine a power-hungry egomaniac just being handed the keys to the country. That would be terrifying. She would likely think she could say or do anything with no consequences. She doesn’t want to help anyone. She just wants the power and the position.

Thankfully, she isn’t. So we don’t have to worry about any of that. Thank goodness.

Fox News Now America’s Fastest-Growing Religion

 

The political contingency traditionally referred to as the “religious right” seems to have found a new home.  

Conservative Christians, who have historically used the Bible as the the guiding influence behind their moral and political beliefs, have begun a major shift from their traditional base, with the shift seemingly beginning around the time as this summer’s Republican National Convention. Since the convention, studies and polling show evangelicals flocking to the doctrinal declarations of Fox News Network.  

Bruce Grudham – pastor at Mostly Sovereign Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC – iterated, “The Bible has always been such a guiding force in all of our lives, but some of the teachings are hard to understand.  I mean, ‘love your neighbor’, ‘caring for the widows and orphans’, living as citizens of heaven?  What do those things even mean?  Frankly, I like how clear pastors Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, and Giraldo Rivera are in how they explain things.  Grace Kelly File is ok too, but isn’t pastor material…for obvious reasons.”

There has been a groundswell of faith in the Fox News network through their coverage of the election and its respective issues.  Cited one Gary Autumngood, “The way the Bible has described moral character really doesn’t line up well with any of the major candidates this election cycle.  We are fortunate that Fox News does a fair and balanced job of supporting Donald Trump as a morally viable candidate, because Scripture certainly didn’t do him justice.”

The core demographic group behind the now popularly dubbed “Fox Faith” is white males.  Pundits are uncertain why women and minorities have yet to get on board with this developing cult (editor’s note: we did not want to use the term “cult”, but that seemed better than “raging, maniacal group of sheep”).

A Fox News poll of Fox News employees found these new believers’ faith in the network to be “totally justified.”

Ken Ham Announces Plans for Tower of Babel Encounter

Petersburg, Kentucky – The founder of the Creation Museum, Ken Ham, has announced the next big addition to the exhibits at the faith-based foundation.  Earlier this year, the Creation Museum opened “The Ark Encounter”, a life-sized replication of Noah’s ark, as described in Genesis 6.  Ham and his foundation, Answers in Genesis, have made it their goal to bring the events described the earliest chapters of the Old Testament in the Bible to life.

The museum itself, founded in 2007, seeks to portray the history of the world through the lens of  a young earth, as Ham believes is described in the Bible.

“The Ark Encounter has been such a massive success,” Ham stated.  “It became obvious to us that the public (editor’s note: we believe that “public” means “Evangelical Christians” in this instance) is hungry for more interaction with the landscape of the early chapters of Genesis.”

“It took Noah over 100 years to build the ark.  We were able to accomplish the same task in under two years with hardly anything more than the materials mention in Genesis 6, hundreds of contracted workers, and 100 million dollars.  We thought it would only make logical sense to create a similar exhibit for the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11! I think this time we can finish it,” Ham quipped.

“With our modern technology and conveniences we should be able to complete it with virtually 你是 不要我 在 一切成空!”

The rest of the staff  immediately became unavailable for comment.

Statisticians Horrified to Discover that a Vote for Anyone but Trump Really Is a Vote for Hillary.

There has been a massive influx of argument recently on social media.  It is difficult to detect due to the impossibly high saturation point of conflict that already existed on such platforms.  But the battle these days seems to revolve around the two predominant candidates for President of the United States in the upcoming November election.  Many voters have found themselves in a position to cast ballots for a candidate they never wanted to, due to two extremely subpar options on that front.  One of the loudest arguments from people finding themselves begrudgingly in Trump’s camp is: “A third-party vote or a non-vote is a vote for Hillary.”  

Investigative historical statisticians at Wofford University were intrigued by this line of reasoning and set out to study the reality of such a statement.  To their shock and disgust, they learned that not only were current votes for Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, or Deez Nuts being counted towards the Clinton campaign, but many other votes throughout history have been credited to the Clinton campaign.

“When we started to dig a little deeper, we were appalled at what we discovered.  Not only are non-votes and third party votes this election going to be pushed to Hillary Clinton, but previous presidential elections have funneled votes her way as well…” stated Philip Broderick, Chief Analyst on the vote counting project.  

The study showed that Clinton’s snagged votes from non-voters was the main reason that Mondale could barely gain a state in the election of 1984.  It was assumed that Reagan dominated on his own merit, but in actuality it was a confusion over the massive influx of votes tallied by people staying home. 

“Remember American Idol season five? Taylor Hicks only won because Hillary Clinton siphoned off so many votes.”

Broderick cautioned anyone leaning towards a third-party vote or simply staying home on election day: “The only way to keep votes from going towards Hillary is to vote for Donald Trump.  We aren’t certain how she has pulled off bending the entire construct of logic or mathematics, but she has.”

Researchers said that votes haven’t been this irrelevant since 2000 when Florida basically made up everything.   

Is It Valid Logic to Vote for Trump Just to Keep Hillary out of Office?

No.

Should We, as Christians, Be Drinking the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

It’s that time of year when the weather begins to turn, the leaves start to change color, and all across the nation the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back on the menu.

I would caution my brothers and sisters (let’s be honest, mostly sisters) to think before they drink.

Anytime something becomes this popular and accepted by society, we need to step back and ask if we’ve ceased merely being in the world and have, in fact, become part of it (Couldn’t find the chapter and verse, but I know it’s in the KJV).  Allow me to incredibly humbly suggest a couple of things we ought to meditate on and pray over before we imbibe the PSL.

1. A study of “Pumpkin Spice” in the original languages

When we break down the etymology of the name of Satan’s favorite drink, it shows how truly subversive the Tempter can be in trying to lure away God’s own.  The word “pumpkin” has two roots in the original Latin.  “Pump” is an obvious reference to the song “Pumped Up Kicks” which is about a person who uses a weapon to attack people around him because he wants their shoes.  This is a focus on greed and covetousness so ugly that it ought not be present in the life of the believer.  Also murder.  The fact that the word “pump” is followed by “kin” is a clear insinuation that the coffee industry wants us to murder our families.  But you don’t think about that when you’re drinking your beverage do you? DO YOU?  And finally, “spice” is a not-so-subtle allusion to the Spice Girls.

Remember these bastions of Christian morals?

 

Can we allow ourselves to forget where this drink comes from?  I, for one, refuse to drink anything that supports family murder or the Spice Girls.

 

2. Genesis 3 and Starbucks

The entire entrance of sin into the world was caused by a unique creature offering a fruit to an unwitting female.

Can’t see the connection?  No one has popularized the PSL like Starbucks.  Just like Satan used the talking snake in the garden, he is using the call of the siren today.  He doesn’t offer an apple or a pomegranate, but a pumpkin.  And who is the most susceptible audience to this tempting offer?  Females.  It’s truly ironic that the mermaid, who legendarily led young sailors to their doom, is still doing so today…just attacking a different demographic.

Wake up, America.  The Devil is a master deceiver.  He knows what works and merely polishes it up and repackages it for a different generation.

 

3. Mainstream? More like the wide road that leads to destruction.

We are called to be in the world and not of it. (again, verse pending).  If anything becomes mainstream…that means it is time to break away from it and avoid it for the sake of impressing Jesus.  Allow me to list several things that are accepted by our society and ask yourself if those are the type of things you want to be associated with: mixed gender bathrooms, marijuana, the Black Eyed Peas, UFC, the Minnesota Vikings, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the ESV “bible”, PETA, etc.

It isn’t harmless.  Nothing that popular can be.

So please, think of who you represent before you post your pictures of your hypocritical smile with your Family Murdering Spice Girls drink.  It’s not just a drink.  It’s a step on a very slippery slope.  Jesus never drank a Pumpkin Spice Latte, and that’s good enough for me.